Scared
by Karen Rhine
Summary: Sanzo's POV. Hakkai decides to stay behind, to fight the demon army and remove his power limiters. Sanzo, heading to battle Homura, struggles with the decision.


Disclaimer - Saiyuki and all its characters are property of the genius of Kazuya Minekura and in now way do I have any ownership of them. I am only temporarily borrowing them for my fanfiction-y purposes, and will return them in (mostly) one piece, teehee. :)

_flashbacks_

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Upon our raid of the Tower of Konran, all our lives turned upside down.

It's all so stupid.

As I walked down this long hallway, heading for a door which will only lead us to more inconveniences to deal with, Goku was doing his best job annoying me as always. That screaming...the damn monkey was really grating on my nerves.

"I can't believe the two of you would just go and leave Hakkai behind like that!!" he screamed, glaring at Gojyo and I like we'd just taken the last plate of meat buns.

"None of us forced him to stay behind," I muttered, really getting sick of it. The decision we had just been forced to make had already begun weighing heavily on my heart and thoughts, I did not need him making it worse.

"That's not the point!!" he contined to complain, totally ignoring the fact that I did not want to discuss this.

"I've had enough!!!" I flat out screamed. Goku stopped and just stared at me. Yeah, _that_ got his attention. Goddamn stupid monkey.

Even though I continued to talk, and then Gojyo joined into the conversation, I wasn't listening. I wasn't even sure what came out of my mouth. My mind had turned back to what had just happened, not moments ago, on the other side of the door we've been walking away from. I felt myself grimacing - why should I care? It was Hakkai's decision, isn't it only right for me to respect that and leave him to do what he wishes?

I could feel my heart betraying my thoughts with every word I think to myself. My heart was actually right there with Goku, wanting to go back, wanting to take Hakkai with us. What if...What if I never see him again? What if he gets killed, or worse... What if he no longer can become himself again?

If that happened, could I truly point my banishing gun at his head and send him to the beyond with all the other millions of demons I have killed on this journey?

Could I bring myself to kill Hakkai?

Am I even mentally prepared to deal with the situation if it happens?

Shaking my head, I tried to focus on the task at hand. What the hell has happened to me? Why was it so hard to get over something that was never even in my control to begin with?

I am a Sanzo, a Buddhist priest, and here I was having conflicting emotions over another man - and not just a man, a youkai. It was all his fault, too. It was all his damn fault I find myself so confused. Before he came along, I was set in everything I did, with no doubts and no hesitation. I believed in myself, and only myself, but now...

_Sighing, I took a long drag of my cigarette as I stared out at the stars. Homura was getting to be more and more of a problem daily. It was getting to be extremely annoying._

_Someone knocked at my door, but as per usual, I ignored it. Over half the time it was that damn monkey wanting food or complaining about something Gojyo had done. Those two were such children._

_Yet, no matter how much I ignored the knocking, it didn't matter. Whoever was on the other side opened the door anyway. Note to self: start locking my door more often._

_I shifted my eyes over to the intruder, but it was only Hakkai. Unexplainably my heart skipped a beat, and I scowled at myself. Taking another long drag, I leaned back against the window frame and looked over at the healer, who had his usual smile on his face._

_"Care for some company?" he asked as he pulled a chair from across the room more my way. Of course, could I really say no now? Instead, I just nodded and grunted a bit. I would say Hakkai was more tolerable than the others, but it wasn't that. There was something...more. Something that confused and aggrivated him._

_Hakkai began drowning on about something trivial, making small talk and obviously not caring if I was really paying attention or not. I don't know when, exactly, but I soon found myself just staring at the other man._

_"Hakkai," I said simply, interrupting whatever he was saying about Goku and dinner. He blinked and looked up at me with his green eyes._

_"Yes Sanzo?" he asked politely. I now cursed myself for ever speaking his name. The air in the room began getting thick, and there was an awkward silence between the two of us that made me shift on the window ledge slightly. I hadn't even planned on what I was going to say next._

_"Sanzo..." Hakkai sighed, standing up. "Something's bothering you."_

_There was no question in his voice. He _knew _something was wrong. Somehow he just knew. The way he was staring at me..._

_"If I may be so bold," he continued as he slowly closed the distance between us. I was frozen, so I didn't have the chance to move backwards. My cigarette long forgotten, all I could do was stare. What was he getting at? _

_He didn't stop until he was right in front of me, where he leaned forward and kissed me softly. I was frozen under his soft lips, eyes wide. He was kissing me?? Then, pulling away, he smiled his smile and began walking away._

_"You shouldn't close yourself off as much," he had finished, before slamming my door and leaving me along, the last of my cigarette falling to my feet._

Ever since then... It had never been like Hakkai to act like that, so it had confused me at first. Later he decided to explain himself, saying that he loved me. It was so odd though. Two men? And me, a Buddhist priest? It went against everything I'd been taught. No matter what my head said, though, and no matter what rational thought I came up with, everything else betrayed me.

The longer time had gone on after that, the more I had found myself falling in love with Hakkai. It was rocky, but through it all Hakkai had been so patient and understanding. So, with it all in mind, I was having such a hard time dealing with the current situation. It was frustrating. I was frustrating myself so much with all these uncharacteristic thoughts. This was not me! What happened to me?!

Every fiber of my being yearned to go back through those doors and take you away from the Holy Demon Army, to put your limiters back on and take you into my arms, never letting go. I'm sure you know that, too. It's amazing what can be understood between two people without using words. The moment you even suggested the idea...

_"Sanzo, I believe I may have a way out of this. I just need you to head upstairs for a moment. It shouldn't take too long," Hakkai said softly, as the four of us were surrounded by these annoying immortal demons Homura had sent to us. I began reloading my gun, trying to keep my mind in its normal state, trying to ignore the absurd thought that was just mentioned to me._

_"What didn't I think of that?" Sarcasm... It always made me feel better. If I didn't act like myself, keep myself rational and calm, something bad was bound to happen. Of that I was completely sure._

_"You like it?" he laughed light-heartedly. How could he laugh in this situation? "I came up with it myself."_

_I knew Hakkai better than anyone at this point, but even still, I had a hard time telling if he was really going to go through with this._

_"Are you absolutely serious?" Hakkai's face slowly began to get more serious, his smile fading._

_"I wasn't entirely joking about it, no."_

_Distracting myself, I raised my gun. There were demons on either side of him. I moved to shoot them._

_"Hakkai...you aren't planning to..." The two demons were down. My arm, on the other hand, did not move._

_"Please, there's no time," he begged, breaking through our act just slightly. "I know what I'm doing, Sanzo, you just go on without me."_

_"I suppose there's no talking you out of it," I sighed. He smiled again, ignoring that the opening of my gun was practically touching his nose. In that moment, as our eyes bore into each other, I felt like we were communicating on a different level than Gojyo and Goku could hear or understand. Growling out of frustration, I turned and looked at the othe two. "Got that? You come with me."_

_Of course the two of them began voicing their complaints. I didn't care anymore. I looked back at Hakkai, who's emerald eyes were shining brightly. I almost smiled._

In that moment he told me he loved me. His eyes said it all. I'm sure mine did as well, but I'm not sure... Not that Hakkai didn't already know. But...maybe I was looking too much into it, but in my heart I've been able to feel the thought nagging at me that his eyes had the doubt that we'd ever get to exchange such sentimates ever again. Would he ever come back from his battle? Even if he did, would he be himself?

I tried ridding myself of these thoughts as Goku and I left Gojyo behind to deal with the second annoyance that came our way. Next was Homura, I could feel it.

It was all so damn annoying.

Opening the next door, there he was. Homura. I found myself sighing.

Hakkai, dont die. Please just don't die.


End file.
